Ain’t nobody got time for errrthin’.

I’ve go a month until a family wedding. Ugh. That means I have to PUT ON CLOTHES. No. Not just clothes. A DRESS. Like, that shows my LEGS. *shudder*

I’ve got a two-month old. Which means I have a total of zero to two hours of free time a day, which includes feeding myself and showering. So. I do not have time to work out. But that’s unacceptable. So. I’m trying to figure out how to combine taking care of the kid and taking care of myself.

I’ve started to do BABY PLANKS which is just doing planks or push ups over his face while he’s on his little activity mat. It works. I line the yoga mat up next to his and we both get a little 5-10 minute session out of it.

I also am trying to use a pre/post-natal workout DVD I bought. It’s divided into segments so when he’s chilling I press play and squeeze a body part in. I’ve done this a total of once. Today. I’m starting this today. I think it will work. It has to. I have to do something.

More on that DVD later. But here’s how I dealt with having a choice between “working out” or drying my hair, today. Two french braids into a side braid when my hair was wet. GOOD ENOUGH!! Ain’t Nobody Got Time For everything, right?

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Not. Wearing. Yoga pants. (aka: I’M BACK, BABY!)

I just had a baby. Which means I’ve been living in stretchy black leggings and yoga pants for months and months and months. Yesterday, it was in the 70s and sunny outside. And I put on not-stretch pants for the first time in a long long time. AAAAAAh. Also, the hammock’s back. Double sweet.

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On body image and pregnancy.

Or: What the fuck do you want from us, world?

Being fit is beautiful.

Being pregnant is beautiful.

Having a flat belly is beautiful.

Having a ginormous basketball-sized belly is beautiful.

Being cut is beautiful.

Being curvy and soft and “glowing” is beautiful.

Wait. What?

I’ve spent 37 years being told by every piece of information that comes into my eyes and ears from real people and media and bullies and just plain life experience that thinnish and fit-ish is the way to be.

And now I’m pregnant, with hormones and physical limitations and a small human inside of me creating a perfect storm of “you will be big and mushy no matter what” and I’m supposed to be able to just flip some switch that makes me feel OK about having a huge belly and growing out of a new size of clothes every month?

I’m sorry. But (earmuffs) that’s fucked up.

(disclaimer: I have many many issues and things to say about body image, pregnancy, and the combo. And I know that being pregnant is a dream come true for some people and I am not at all meaning to sound ungrateful. This is only about body image and being honest about how it feels.)  

The only thing I’m trying to say right now is this:

Why do we have it set up so the one thing that our bodies are biologically built to do, that makes us “women,” creates a body that is the exact opposite from the one that our culture tells us is good? AND THEN, we have societal pressure to be totally serene about it and not call bullshit. That’s bullshit!

I am struggling with being in a pregnant body. You might not. Maybe you didn’t. Great for you! But I am.

I am suffering from a completely rational case of cognitive dissonance.

I’m calling bullshit.

I’m not interested in trying to convince myself to not be upset about it anymore. I’d rather be mad and motivated than fake.

I’m not OK with it. But I’m OK with that.

 

Dressing the Fit Bump

WHAT I’VE LEARNED ABOUT BEING PREGNANT, WORKING OUT, AND WHAT TO WEAR

1. Shopping stops being fun.

So, shopping for workout wear is massively less fun when you’re pregnant. There’s no such thing as “man this top makes me feel sleek and powerful.” It’s just “man, I look like a hippo.”

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Couldn’t even zip the damn jacket.

 

2. You’re tired as shit.

Working out when you’re pregnant is massively less fun, also. First trimester I barely did anything because I was so fatigued. I mean, a walk around the block was a win. I’m not kidding. Also, your blood volume increases, which makes you feel instantly like you’ve lost all of your cardiovascular fitness. So while you can still wear your workout clothes, you can’t workout and feel like the laziest piece of shit on earth. Or at least I did.

3. Even if you want to run the whole pregnancy, you might not be able to.

Second trimester, I got my energy back, but my appetite grew. So I’ve just been growing in every way. Working out…eh. I can’t run because it feels like my bladder is going to fall out, and I’m generally pretty lazy. I walk. I’ll do a little Dailey Method. A little lifting. A few 21 day fix videos. Also, I went to spin twice, figuring “hey, no impact, perfect.” One class was fine. But another class, we did a lot of really fast pedaling, which was basically me bouncing (slamming) up and down really fast on a bike seat for an hour. Pretty uncomfortable. Anyway, workout commitment and consistency?…Not even close. Granted, I work from home, so I struggle with structure and routine. You may not be such a worthless slacker.

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This is me after spin.

4. Even though you don’t want to shop, you have to.

As far as workout wear goes: 1st trimester I just bought larger sizes of pants I liked. My Athleta Chaturanga leggings were king. They’re really soft and stretchy, not a compression pant. I also rocked a pair of seamless champion tights that I just bought huge. I didn’t feel comfortable bouncing a ton, so it didn’t matter if they weren’t tight enough to really stay up.

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Athleta Chaturangas.

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Champion seamless yoga capris.

 

 

5. At some point you WILL have to buy maternity pants. And it will change your life. 

So you might think you can save yourself some money buy just buying larger workout pants, that you’ll still need later as you’re coming back down from preggo size. Yeah. You need those. But at some point, that belly is going to grow. And even though pants fit in the butt and legs, they just get more and more uncomfortable on your gut. I went on a road trip in regular jeans before I could bring myself to buy maternity. It was a mistake. I had to lie back with the car seat reclined, pants undone Al Bundy-style, whining the whole time about how I couldn’t breathe. Don’t be vain and stupid like me. Be comfortable and get on with your life.

6. Start with under the belly.

At first you’ll want under-the-belly stuff. These basically have a big elastic waist band and slope down at the front. Very comfortable. I have some jeans and leggings. And I tried the Maternity Straight Up Pant, and Maternity Metro Legging from Athleta. The Straight Up is called that because they’re closer to a straight leg than a bell-bottom yoga style. I didn’t like them because they were tight and compression-y. The Metro Legging is a legging with seams and pockets so it’s styled like a jean. I like them because they’re slightly more pant-like than leggings, but they do tend to slide down when I’m walking.

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Athleta Maternity Straight Up

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Athleta Maternity Metro

 

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Athleta Maternity Metro.

As far as “public pants” go, I found that the J.Crew maternity minnie pants were actually LOWER rise than the regular ones. No bueno. The Old Navy fake Minnie pants (pixie) maternity are a fine substitute. And for anything in the “black stretchy pant” category,Target is fine. I have some Gap and Old Navy maternity jeans. Also fine. You could spend more, but really, you just keep on changing sizes so why? Oh, and Free People is pretty great for big flowy but still edgy-ish tops. I just wear tanks, big cardigans, big flowy tops, and the occasional blazer. I am not a dress person. I am not a baby-doll top person. They look like sad potato sacks and I just won’t go there.

7. Transition to fold over/ full belly. 

Of course I couldn’t be without my Old Navy Yoga Pants, so I ordered those a size bigger, and then quickly realized that that was pointless and ordered the maternity ones. They have a full belly panel. Which I folded over because my gut didn’t quite fill it up yet. (Now it does.) Same thing with full-belly panel jeans. You’ll want to transition, or at least I did, because while I can technically wear the under the belly stuff, my belly looks more like rolls of beer gut when I sit down and it falls over the band. With a full panel, you get a smooth line. And you can fold it to give yourself a “belly band” effect. I might try a belly band with the low panel pants to see if that works too.

As far as full-on, full-panel maternity workout pants go, I have the Chaturanga (great), some Old Navy capris (fine, but not nearly as stretchy and comfy, compression = not fun), and the Old Navy Yoga Pants. Which everyone knows you don’t work out in, (butt sweat), you just wear around the house because you don’t want to wear real pants ever. Speaking of, those fold-over “yoga leggings” that the kids wear as pants (shudder) are SUPER COMFORTABLE for pregnant times. That fold over flap just becomes a belly panel. Thanks, Target! (and no, I do not mean PINK pants. PINK is for little sluts, littler wannabe sluts and old clueless wannabes. You know better. Don’t do it.)

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Screen Shot 2014-12-08 at 11.11.43 AM Athleta Full-panel Chaturanga with the fold over trick.

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Old Navy Maternity Compression Capris

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Fold over “yoga” (yeah right) leggings from Target.

 

7. Tops are depressing.

You can totally hide for a while. I just layered tanks and high-low tops and it was totally fine for the first bit. I have been able to wear regular tank tops so far. (I am a pear, though. Apples, maybe not. We get what we get.) But I’m at 26 weeks now, and I don’t think I can really wear my regular ribbed tanks anymore.  I have a stash of maternity tanks (rouched sides, extra material) ready to go. You’d think you’d want to wear baggy tops, but with me it’s kind of the opposite. Because my beloved tunics don’t flow and hide. Now they kind of almost…fit. It’s not a fun feeling.

I bought one new top at LuluLemon  (black friday weekend clearance). The Run Times Tank. They don’t have it on the site anymore. It’s another bra and breezy over-tank kind of a top, but the over-tank has a little more coverage, the bra has wider straps, and a higher neckline, and the bottom of the bra extends down further so only a teeny little bit of rib skin shows. I look like a marshmallow in it. It bums me out. But it will be a cute feminine thing for after baby. Oh, and special fun note on that top in particular: I posted a picture of me in it on instagram, and some really charming fellow who has an instagram account that posts only pictures of women with bubble butts (in thongs, and yoga pants and volleyball shorts) said, and I quote: “hahaha absolutely disgusting. :)” How did he know how I felt? He must be a real empath. Some lucky girl is going to get to marry him. Or some sex doll with a bubble butt will get to marry him. Because apparently that’s all women’s bodies are to him. Parts. Yay internet!

So anyway, to me, tighter tops are less depressing because at least you’re not adding more volume up there. And for your budget, that’s good. Because you only need a few tank tops. And the Breathe tank from Athleta is great.

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Athleta Breathe Tank

 

Speaking of breathing…good luck with that because…

8. You can’t breathe so good. 

My out of breath-ness comes and goes. But blood volume + baby taking up more and more of your body cavity = less lung capacity. It doesn’t feel that way all the time. But…it’s only going to keep getting more crowded in there.

9. Your baby squishes your stomach. So full is REALLY FULL.

And yet, I keep on eating more than I need to, every single time I eat. What’s up with that? Oh yeah, I’m an idiot with a compulsive eating problem. And hormones. Good times.

10. Your boobs get HUGE. And they hurt. Like. Hell. But not all the time.

I never wanted big boobs. My boobs were fine. Neither here nor there. Never bothered me. Now, they’re big, and it has taken some getting used to. I won’t even go from bed to the bathroom without some support. I basically live in bralettes now. My jog bras don’t fit. I bought bigger ones, but they’re still pretty damn uncomfortable. I can’t do bouncy jumpy run-y things anyway, so it doesn’t matter. I don’t need sport-level support. I bought bra band extenders for my real bras. Which kind of work. But I broke down and bought some real bras in the right size yesterday at soma. Yeah. the kind that pretty much have fabric up to your neck and stick out ABOVE your tank top neck lines? Those. Real woman bras. Not very exciting. But the holidays are coming and I will have to go out in public more often. So. Support is probably a good thing to have.

11. You can’t work out for more than 5 minutes because you have to pee every 3 minutes.

Seriously. I mean, I pee more than a puppy when I’m not pregnant. Pregnant, I pee more than I thought was humanly possible. I can’t take a walk that’s longer than 20 minutes, because, no way. And now my dog is getting fat. Even when I walk on the treadmill at home, I have to hop off every five minutes. I’m not joking. It’s ridiculous. I took a “fit 4 baby” fitness class…had to pee before, during, and after. In second trimester came the “double pee.” I’d go upstairs, walk down half a flight of stairs, and have to turn back around and go again. And now that I’m almost in third trimester, the triple pee has started. I will, I shit you not, I sweat to fucking whatever, have to pee three times in five minutes. So yeah, that’s another reason why workouts are tough. You either have to pee, or are stopping to pee. Jumping Jacks? Not gonna happen. I peed twice while trying to write this paragraph.

I could go on about all the other things I’ve learned, but there’s an entire universe of mommy bloggers for that shit. I’ll just keep it to the workout clothes and fitness stuff.

Here are some of my pregnant WorkOutFits: And yes, I had pink hair for a bit. It was leftover from Halloween.

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Athleta breathe top and maternity Chaturanga leggings.  23 weeks.

 

 

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Lululemon Run Times Tank, Old Navy Yoga pants, 25 weeks

 

 

 

 

 

The Cheating Myth

So here’s a lesson I keep on not learning: THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS CHEATING. As in, YOU NEVER, EVER GET AWAY WITH IT. Maybe if I write it out, it will start to sink in. Or at least help you. Here’s what I’m trying to tell myself:

1. Cheat days don’t work.

2. Cheat meals lead to binge weeks.

3. Cutting carbs doesn’t mean you can chow down on cheese and sausage and eat steaks the size of your face. Trust me. I have tested this theory quite thoroughly. I have eaten many face-steaks.

4. Starting to eat right tomorrow doesn’t mean you should eat way wrong tonight. Because how many times have you done that? All of the times. That’s how many.

5. Unless it’s a whole food, “low carb” just means “highly fake.”

6.  “impact carbs” =  “intestinal cramps”

7. Protein bars? They’re just candy bars that don’t taste as good. They’re full of weird stuff. They’re not satisfying. And they’ll make you fat anyway. And you’ll still be hungry.

11. Atkins bars and snacks? You are literally paying someone $8 to make you bloated and cause you pain. Great service! Sign me up! Here’s my money! See you in four days for some more!

12. Sugar Free Candy? It won’t make you hyper or give you a headache like real candy, but it will fill your intestines with a holy terror that will take away the next twelve hours of your life. And the life of anyone in the same building.

13. A serving is not one bag or one box.

14. Calories count. They do not disappear into thin air because they are low carb or low sugar. A bar is a bar. Candy is candy. Overeating is overeating, no matter what the ingredients.

15. And unfortunately, it still counts if you eat it in the car.

I have been spending more time cheating than not lately. And it sucks. I’m an idiot. Don’t do it! I feel terrible. All I want is for this shit to be out of my system and to go back in time and eat whole foods instead of lying to myself for the past month. I am wearing my mistakes. These lies don’t fit into my pants. Wah wah.

Whole 30…here I come…Tomorrow…Probably.