The Cheating Myth

So here’s a lesson I keep on not learning: THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS CHEATING. As in, YOU NEVER, EVER GET AWAY WITH IT. Maybe if I write it out, it will start to sink in. Or at least help you. Here’s what I’m trying to tell myself:

1. Cheat days don’t work.

2. Cheat meals lead to binge weeks.

3. Cutting carbs doesn’t mean you can chow down on cheese and sausage and eat steaks the size of your face. Trust me. I have tested this theory quite thoroughly. I have eaten many face-steaks.

4. Starting to eat right tomorrow doesn’t mean you should eat way wrong tonight. Because how many times have you done that? All of the times. That’s how many.

5. Unless it’s a whole food, “low carb” just means “highly fake.”

6.  “impact carbs” =  “intestinal cramps”

7. Protein bars? They’re just candy bars that don’t taste as good. They’re full of weird stuff. They’re not satisfying. And they’ll make you fat anyway. And you’ll still be hungry.

11. Atkins bars and snacks? You are literally paying someone $8 to make you bloated and cause you pain. Great service! Sign me up! Here’s my money! See you in four days for some more!

12. Sugar Free Candy? It won’t make you hyper or give you a headache like real candy, but it will fill your intestines with a holy terror that will take away the next twelve hours of your life. And the life of anyone in the same building.

13. A serving is not one bag or one box.

14. Calories count. They do not disappear into thin air because they are low carb or low sugar. A bar is a bar. Candy is candy. Overeating is overeating, no matter what the ingredients.

15. And unfortunately, it still counts if you eat it in the car.

I have been spending more time cheating than not lately. And it sucks. I’m an idiot. Don’t do it! I feel terrible. All I want is for this shit to be out of my system and to go back in time and eat whole foods instead of lying to myself for the past month. I am wearing my mistakes. These lies don’t fit into my pants. Wah wah.

Whole 30…here I come…Tomorrow…Probably.

 

 

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Two awesome things.

I don’t know who or what this is, but I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. 2012pic3

 

And this is Pauline Nordin. Picture is linked to her butt training advice.

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Workout Review: Heaven and Hell Bootcamp

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Gotta love Groupon.

This year I also took advantage of a Groupon for a local boot camp called Heaven and Hell. I’ve never done a boot camp before. And frankly, I used to think boot camp sounded terrifying and miserable and always took place outside before dawn in the rain with someone yelling at you. I am not a “no pain no gain” person. I am an “I have to enjoy it or else I won’t go” fitness person. But luckily, I was totally wrong about boot camp.

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About Heaven and Hell.

Heaven and Hell describes itself as “functional group training.” I never really understood what “functional fitness” meant, but I am getting the impression it means “moving your body and some weight around in all sorts of different directions.“ This class takes place in a strip mall (I live in the burbs, so that’s where everything is), in an open room, with every piece of fitness equipment you could dream of. Like…medicine balls, heavy balls, battle ropes, bosu trainers, sand bags, stability balls, kettle bells, dumbells, weighted bars, bands, rebounding step thingies, regular steps, plyo benches, giant tires, TRX, chin up bars, jump ropes, mini balance pods, weighted mini balls, slider disk thingies, and probably ten other things I’m not remembering. Basically, it’s a fitness playground. And it’s hella fun.

What it is, is circuit training. The instructor creates 7-12 ish different exercises (depending on class size), demos them at the beginning, and then you do each one for a certain amount of time, or you do two timed-sets with a mini break, and then you move to the next exercise. You usually go around 3 or 4 times in the 45 minute class, with a core training session (planks, pilates, on your back ab work) in the middle or at the end.

Results?

It’s great. You can’t get bored. If an exercise sucks, it’s only going to last like a minute and you only have to do it a few times. 45 minutes is the perfect class length. There are all sorts of people in there, so there’s always someone struggling more than you and always someone going turbo to look up to. I love it love it love it. You gain good cardio fitness, get some good core results, and your arms and shoulders get results because of the push ups and whatnot.

Between Dailey Method and Heaven and Hell Boot camp this summer, I was really having a great time, looking forward to all of my classes, enjoying feeling fitter and fitter, and getting visible results. I mean, look at my arms in this picture! That’s not from “lifting.” That’s from all sorts of different fun types of moves and equipment and body resistance stuff.

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Courtesy of Kelly Allison Photography. KellyAllisonPhoto.com

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Look, ma! An Ab! ONE AB.

AND, at one point, before everything went to shit and I stopped going to both, I swear I was starting to see more than just that one oblique I could always see if I sucked in hard and leaned over to the side.

 

CONCLUSION

Three word review for Heaven and Hell Bootcamp: Fitness. Playground. Fun.

I don’t have many pictures from bootcamp, but I tended to take happy sweaty selfies afterward, so that tells you something.

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Hey this exists: Tony Horton Kitchen

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I just learned from Twitter that Tony Horton has a food delivery service. It’s called Tony Horton Kitchen. And if you’re in LA, some of the food is actually at 7-11. What???? Luckies.

http://www.tonyhortonkitchen.com/

If you’re wondering, yes, I have tried a food delivery service. I don’t remember which one, it was a while back. It was good food but it didn’t work for me. I basically took all the little pieces of cheese and chocolate you were allowed throughout the week and ate all of those first, and at once. I’m for shit at following food plans. And diets. And portions. And anything that puts discipline and food in the same room. BUT HEY, if you’re not a complete animal like me, go for it. Looks like good stuff. Like flexitarian options with wild-caught salmon and grass-fed buffalo.

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