I am not normal. I am not a person who can do things like:

-have things in the house that taste good

or

-eat a piece of bread without eating all of the bread and then everything else in a 30 mile radius

It’s a long story. But the story’s not the point. The point is, for the last few months I’ve been trying being a Ketonian. And failing. And succeeding. And failing some more. But overall, it has made life SO MUCH EASIER because for the first time in my life I’ve stopped thinking about food. And I used to think about food pretty much all of the time. What food I was going to eat, what food I shouldn’t eat, what food other people can eat that I can’t handle, how it sucks not being able to handle normal foods like a normal person, waaaah waaah waaah blah blah blah. But ketosis just muted all of that noise.

How? Why? Being a “Kentonian” means following a ketogenic diet, which isn’t a diet, it’s a strategy of eating that switches your body from carb-fueled to fat-fueled. Why would you want that? 1. Because your brain prefers to run on fat 2. Because it’s a much more steady energy level and 3. You never fucking think about food.

Hey Aimee, isn’t that Atkins? Sort of. But the difference is, in Atkins they’re like “eat all of anything, as long as it’s under a certain amount of carbs.” But we all know deep down that “go nuts and eat all you want”will never work unless the thing you’re going nuts on is greens. FUCK. I know. But hey, eating more oil and good butter is pretty great. You should check it out.

Ketosis is different from Atkins in that it limits your protein. For me, the limit is 20g per meal, which is a totally reasonable serving. And the carb limit is 20g/day, which is like a good salad or two. You don’t eat starchy carbs. You eat more fats. And you’re satiated and can go long long periods of time without thinking about food. And it’s pretty great.

There’s a lot more to it than that, and you can look up all the Keto experts yourself. Maybe start with Dave Asprey and his podcast and the BulletProof Diet book.  If you’re someone like me who has a hard time with the highs and lows and cravings and crashes and binges and food drugs and all of that mess, you should check out Keto. It really simplifies things. Also, I have a friend who’s been doing it pretty much all year and she’s lost 55lbs. Which is awesome. But she tracks. And I’m a lazy undisciplined shit.

Getting into ketosis sucks. That’s true. You do get the carb flu (feel totally run down for a week) and all of that. But once you’re in it, it’s easier to get back into it when you fall out. And you will fall out. Often. I’m out of ketosis right now because I committed the horrendous crime of drinking Coke Zero this week.  Here are some other bullshit little things can throw you out of ketosis: protein bars, sugar free gum, diet pop, too much caffeine, one Goddamn cocktail, looking at a picture of a cupcake…It’s lame. But it’s also not that fucking hard if you actually try, Aimee.

I lost 7 lbs doing Keto this year. Without working out. (Sinus infections.)

But I’ve gained it back because I haven’t been counting my portions and stuff lately. Also, because of all the sinus infections, and antibiotics and steroids I’ve been on to treat the sinus infections, my shit’s a little messed up, and I need to eat more produce for a while. (One word: Microbiome.)

But I’m pro-Keto. I dig it. I dig bulletproof coffee. I dig eating salads with shit-tons of olive oil. I dig brisket. I think I might even like eating fat better than eating cookies now. Because eating fat makes me not think about cookies. And that’s a friggin’ miracle, people. A MIRACLE I SAY!