December | 2015 | pretty-sweaty

Yeah, baby! Goddess leggings! Much ballerina. So cutes.

The first time I saw a pair of ALO Yoga’s Goddess Leggings was on the retail rack in the lobby of my local Dailey Method studio… I gasped. So pretty! So new! Such quality! And then I looked at the price tag… I snorted. So expensive! So not something I’m going to buy! And then I saw them on the body of one of my Dailey Method instructors (read: someone who’s paid to be thin and ripped) and …I sighed. So only-made-for-the skinnies! So not for me! Wah wah.

But then, they went on sale this holiday shopping season and I was like, $60? WHAT? I have to give ’em a shot. Maybe every single one of my instincts is wrong! Maybe I can wear them!

They are as nice as they look. The fabric is thick (doesn’t show cellulite), and it holds you in without sausage-ing you, and it wicks and breathes and all of that. The leg warmer part is stretchy and doesn’t itch or get in your way at all. The waist is a little low for me, at least at my current level of fluffiness, but I think the rise is pretty typical for any pant that’s not labeled as high waisted.

And, not for nothing, the packaging was really nice too. Even the tag is printed with a rubbery coating on the paper that makes it feel nice. Details, man. Details.

But the big question: can a pear with thick-ass thighs pull these off? Let’s consult my magic skinny mirror selfies. (This mirror stretches things vertically ala Paula Abdul’s Promise of a New Day video. I use it so I don’t cry.)

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From the side? Sure. Maybe. But you can’t deny that there’s a horizontal line running around said thick-ass thigh. Red flag, right there, y’all.

Oh shit. There’s the truth. You can get away with almost anything from the side. You can convince yourself of something from the front. But there’s no lying from the back. That horizontal line stops the eye and makes it bounce around in the ass-u-lar area. If I was wearing all black, the eye would just skim down all the way to the ground. I might think “Fuck. I’ve got some work to do.” But I wouldn’t think “Holy fuck, I’m wearing 30 pounds of extra ass alone. AAAA!” Both are true. But the first thought is only upsetting enough to be motivating. The second thought can make me crumble into a self-hating pile. THIS IS WHY WHAT YOU WEAR MATTERS, PEOPLE. Your workout clothes need to give you confidence and make you feel capable. But the wrong ones can make you think your worst thoughts. Dress for success, not for sadness.

SO. The leggings are great. They’re high quality. And if I don’t look at myself from the back, they kind of make me feel all dancer-y, which motivates me to have even better form when doing barre shit. BUT, I don’t think I’ll be wearing them in public for a while. They’re not the best style for my body type.

Long story short:

ALO Goddess Leggings: if you have below-the-waist thickness, wear them at your own risk. If you have a thigh gap, first of all fuck you. Second of all congratulations. Bitch. And third, yes, you can absolutely wear them and you’re going to look fucking amazing in them. Grrrrr.

1. I lost my UP24 fitness tracker a while back. It was sad princess day. Since then I’ve been walking it old school with my trusty $20 Omron pedometer. Which is totally fine. But a tad inconvenient because most of my high-waisted workout pants don’t have key pockets.

2. But guess what! It’s Christmas time and them UP tracker shits are on saaaaaaale!!!!

3. So my husband just bought me one on Amazon because they’re hella cheap right now. And he’s a very nice guy. 🙂 And also he probably doesn’t like to hear me bitch all the time about how nothing fits, so…it’s kind of a future-present for him, too.

Why do I like Jawbone and not FitBit? Especially now that FitBit has a heart rate tracker? Because. Jawbone looks better. And I pay for design. The end.

I spent the last three days researching. Let me save you some time.

Here’s what you need to know:

UP3 = their newest one. Has heart rate monitoring. Which I thought I wanted. BUT, it doesn’t really do “you’re in the zone”-type monitoring during your workout. It does resting heart rate, and kind of a picture of your daily average. Or something. It isn’t well explained. But the FitBit Charge HR clearly does “during workout heart rate feedback.” So I figured, if UP did that, they would say that they did. And they don’t. So…not worth it to me. Plus, I might get creeped out by those nodes pressing on my pulse points all day. BUT, they are SUPER CUTE. They are by far the best looking tracker bracelets on the market. And, if you’re into it, they’re on Oprah’s Favorite Things list. So you can get a 20% discount on Jawbone site with code OPRAH.

UP4 = same as the UP3 but you can Tap To Pay with an AmEx. Which I think is fucking stupid. But I’m 90 years old inside.

UP2 = just like the UP24, but updated. Adjustable size. Available in solid bracelet style and girlier thin strap (split-strap) versions. Split strap comes in more colors. I looked at them in person, and both are cute. But I’m a little afraid I’d catch the straps on something, so I’m getting the classic solid shape. And after much deliberation and drooling over white, gold, purple, red, green, and teal, my ass is sticking with simple solid black. Why? Because when I was nine I chose a pink and purple ten speed for my birthday present, and my mom said “Now you’re sure you’re still going to want a purple bike with pink tires when you’re older?” and I was like “Hell yeah I will!” and I was wrong. I don’t trust what I like today to be what I’ll like next year.

But you don’t care what I like. You like what YOU like. And if you like the idea of the UP2, it’s on sale on Amazon today. They’re $99 pretty much everywhere, but on Amazon the solid is $60ish and the strappy is $80 ish. The prices seem to change every day. They might even go down more, who knows? But I’m impatient, so I bought today. http://www.amazon.com/Jawbone

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HEALTHY GREEDY SHOPPY TIMES TO YOU!