The Cheating Myth

So here’s a lesson I keep on not learning: THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS CHEATING. As in, YOU NEVER, EVER GET AWAY WITH IT. Maybe if I write it out, it will start to sink in. Or at least help you. Here’s what I’m trying to tell myself:

1. Cheat days don’t work.

2. Cheat meals lead to binge weeks.

3. Cutting carbs doesn’t mean you can chow down on cheese and sausage and eat steaks the size of your face. Trust me. I have tested this theory quite thoroughly. I have eaten many face-steaks.

4. Starting to eat right tomorrow doesn’t mean you should eat way wrong tonight. Because how many times have you done that? All of the times. That’s how many.

5. Unless it’s a whole food, “low carb” just means “highly fake.”

6.  “impact carbs” =  “intestinal cramps”

7. Protein bars? They’re just candy bars that don’t taste as good. They’re full of weird stuff. They’re not satisfying. And they’ll make you fat anyway. And you’ll still be hungry.

11. Atkins bars and snacks? You are literally paying someone $8 to make you bloated and cause you pain. Great service! Sign me up! Here’s my money! See you in four days for some more!

12. Sugar Free Candy? It won’t make you hyper or give you a headache like real candy, but it will fill your intestines with a holy terror that will take away the next twelve hours of your life. And the life of anyone in the same building.

13. A serving is not one bag or one box.

14. Calories count. They do not disappear into thin air because they are low carb or low sugar. A bar is a bar. Candy is candy. Overeating is overeating, no matter what the ingredients.

15. And unfortunately, it still counts if you eat it in the car.

I have been spending more time cheating than not lately. And it sucks. I’m an idiot. Don’t do it! I feel terrible. All I want is for this shit to be out of my system and to go back in time and eat whole foods instead of lying to myself for the past month. I am wearing my mistakes. These lies don’t fit into my pants. Wah wah.

Whole 30…here I come…Tomorrow…Probably.

 

 

Advertisements

Wining About Off Weeks.

 

red wine and grapes

Hello, lover.

I love wine. It tastes good. It’s relaxing. It’s pretty. It’s like consuming sunshine. I lived in San Francisco for almost ten years and I am all about California old style zinfandels. I love the whole “having a glass of wine” thing. And my favorite smell on earth is the barrel cellar in a vineyard. Liquor hits too hard and isn’t as delicious. Beer is totally fun but is pretty much like drinking bread so it’s kind of out. Wine is king.

So I’ve been doing my own quazi version of The Whole 30 for the last 80ish days. I called it the 100 Days of Healthy. No sweeteners, grains, soda, sugar, packaged food, beans, alcohol. It morphed to include soda, sweeteners and “cleaner” alcohols: tequila and vodka occasionally. Basically because if I didn’t give myself those, I was going to go off the rails and it was worth the compromise to keep moving forward. But I’ve stayed off of grains, sugar and beans completely for over 80 days. I literally do not want to eat grains or sugar at all. No need. So that’s really a great GREAT turn. Because grains and sugar cause inflammation in me and my whole body aches after I eat them. Like the flu. It’s super fun. So not wanting to eat them is a really good thing!

I’m starting a P90X3 Challenge next week, so I figured, close enough. I’ll take this week off before I buckle back down for another 90 days. Long story short: I’m eating whatever I want this week. (I still do not want grains or sugar.) Long story shorter: WINE!

I’ve missed it a ton. It’s 90% a habit thing. Having a treat at night. And I do really enjoy the taste. My first glass was like “oh sweet nectar of life I have missed you!!!” And it was really nice to REALLY taste it and APPRECIATE it because it was special. But I’ve been having wine all week, and I’ve learned some really good lessons.

TRUE FACTS ABOUT AN OFF WEEK

1. I feel like absolute shit. My stomach is burning. I’m extremely uncomfortable. My SWEATPANTS are tight in the waist. Bloated. Bags under the eyes. Puffy face. Total package!

2. Wine tastes good, but feels terrible pretty quickly. Namely, as soon as I finish my first glass. Headache. Uncomfortable. I feel poisoned. Wine is basically an instant hangover. Plus you get the tomorrow hangover too!

3. I’ve always known that wine is the worst as far as affecting your workout the next day. But now that I’m old old old, Wine = not sleeping. Not sleeping = not being able to do things, like function, work out, or walk around the block without shuffling like the walking dead.

4. One protein bar/ Atkins bar is not satisfying. A box of Atkins bars HURTS LIKE HELL. I knew that already, but apparently I have to keep on testing that one. Over and over and over.

5. I am not a person who can have nuts in the house because I am not a person who can not shove infinite amounts of crunchy, ready-to-eat things in my face. Ideal serving size = hand full. Actual Aimee serving size = all of them. It’s not even that I like nuts that much. It’s just the nom nom mindless shove it in my face hole enabling nature of them.  Nuts = chips.

6. It’s going to take who knows how many days to get this out of my system and start feeling good again. And I can’t wait to start feeling good again.

7. Off weeks are no bueno. Off days, probably better. Off-something: you gotta do what you gotta do to stay sane and keep moving in general in the right direction. Off-anything will definitely teach you something useful and reinforce why you actually truly like eating right and working out.

Conclusion?

Off weeks are a terrible idea. You’re welcome.

And one good thing about getting older is: it’s easier to feel like crap, so it’s easier to actually really authentically want to eat well. So you don’t feel like crap.