Quest bar dominance continues.

Um. Quest bar has some new flavors out this year. The two best are Oatmeal Chocolate Chip and Chocolate Cereal Bar. Don’t buy them unless you want to have to buy them every day forever because THEY ARE TOO DELICIOUS TO BE TRUE.

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The Cheating Myth

So here’s a lesson I keep on not learning: THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS CHEATING. As in, YOU NEVER, EVER GET AWAY WITH IT. Maybe if I write it out, it will start to sink in. Or at least help you. Here’s what I’m trying to tell myself:

1. Cheat days don’t work.

2. Cheat meals lead to binge weeks.

3. Cutting carbs doesn’t mean you can chow down on cheese and sausage and eat steaks the size of your face. Trust me. I have tested this theory quite thoroughly. I have eaten many face-steaks.

4. Starting to eat right tomorrow doesn’t mean you should eat way wrong tonight. Because how many times have you done that? All of the times. That’s how many.

5. Unless it’s a whole food, “low carb” just means “highly fake.”

6.  “impact carbs” =  “intestinal cramps”

7. Protein bars? They’re just candy bars that don’t taste as good. They’re full of weird stuff. They’re not satisfying. And they’ll make you fat anyway. And you’ll still be hungry.

11. Atkins bars and snacks? You are literally paying someone $8 to make you bloated and cause you pain. Great service! Sign me up! Here’s my money! See you in four days for some more!

12. Sugar Free Candy? It won’t make you hyper or give you a headache like real candy, but it will fill your intestines with a holy terror that will take away the next twelve hours of your life. And the life of anyone in the same building.

13. A serving is not one bag or one box.

14. Calories count. They do not disappear into thin air because they are low carb or low sugar. A bar is a bar. Candy is candy. Overeating is overeating, no matter what the ingredients.

15. And unfortunately, it still counts if you eat it in the car.

I have been spending more time cheating than not lately. And it sucks. I’m an idiot. Don’t do it! I feel terrible. All I want is for this shit to be out of my system and to go back in time and eat whole foods instead of lying to myself for the past month. I am wearing my mistakes. These lies don’t fit into my pants. Wah wah.

Whole 30…here I come…Tomorrow…Probably.

 

 

Eating is fun.

Two things have made my produce and protein lifestyle infinitely more fun this week: QUEST BARS! SHIRATAKI NOODLES!

Dude. I was at ye olde Vitamin Shoppe the other day contemplating protein pudding, and happened upon Quest Bars. I tried a cookie dough and a cookies and cream. And they are the shit. I love me some cookie dough. I am capable of eating half a tube, easy. But obviously that’s not a constructive activity. This Quest Bar was very cookie dough-like and delicious. Screw you Atkins bars. Screw you Pure Protein. I know I shouldn’t be eating any of these science experiments, but when I need some “junk” food, I am absolutely Quest Bar for life now.

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Speaking of needing to eat something that reminds me of real food…remember noodles? You know, those starchy carb bombs you used to eat when you thought vegetarian pasta entree was the good weight loss choice? Well they’re motherfucking back on the table. Shiritaki noodles are these pretend, made from nothing, quazi-noodles that take zero seconds to prepare and you can stuff in your face like real pasta without the bloated, jangly, insulin disaster after. And they’re in your grocery store right now. I promise. Look above the tofu. Nasoya Pasta Zero. Put it in your face. pasta-zero-all-natural-shirataki-spaghetti-noodles_0

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