Remember how I was going to do Whole 30 and Bikini Body Mommy Challenge 4 for the last month? Here’s what happened.

Bikini Body Mommy Challenge 4: I’m still doing it. And I’m getting 10,000 steps almost every day.  I usually miss about one workout a week. I know deep down that these BBM workouts aren’t hard or long enough, but they’re great for getting into an every day workout habit. And I think they’ve been helping me get stronger in the pelvic floor, inner thigh, abs, and core. I couldn’t do mountain climbers (or any bouncing at all) when I started (because of pelvic floor issues) but now I can. Which is awesome. Also, I like doing them every other day, and doing both the strength and the cardio on the same day, back to back, so it feels closer to a real workout. So, that’s good.

Whole 30: Not so much. It’s been a rough few weeks. Some changes, some stresses, some challenges, and overall a pretty post partum depression-y time. So I said fuck it. I’ve been having some wine. BUT, I really did go a whole 30 days with no pop, sugar, fake sugar, or non-vegetable starches. (I count popcorn as corn, which is a vegetable. Wink.) But no pop, no protein bars, no sweetner in my coffee or lemon water, and no crap carbs…that’s not nothing, man! And I’ve felt good. Green tea in the afternoon instead of pop…less achy, more energy. Good stuff! And not hard to do.

Results? I’VE FUCKING GAINED FIVE POUNDS AND MY JEANS DON’T FIT. Yeah. I’M GAINING WEIGHT. No, it’s not muscle, I’m not an idiot. OK, I am, but not that kind of idiot. It’s belly. Flabby fatty belly. I had started to lose the baby weight, for about a second, and now I’m fucking gaining.

But there’s more to the story. I also stopped breast feeding. Which I was surprisingly ambivalent about… but I’m super glad to have my freedom back, to have my body belong only to me again, and to not have big hoots. YAY! My sweaters aren’t crop tops anymore!!! SUPER JOY TIMES.

Ah, but guess what comes with that change…A SUDDEN DEPRESSION because I’m not getting dosed with happy hormones (Oxytocin) multiple times a day anymore. I’ve said it a million times before and I’ll say it a million times again: being a girl is bullshit.

AND, no breastfeeding means I’m suddenly not burning an extra 500 calories a day. A SUDDEN BIG DECREASE IN METABOLISM. So fun!

So I didn’t fail. I didn’t succeed. Other shit’s going down that’s fucking my shit up and getting in the way of weight loss. I’m pissed. And I don’t know how this next phase plays out. I don’t know if your metabolism/ hormones even out or if I have to live on carrots and lacroix for the rest of my days or what.

That’s what’s up with me. A bit of chaos in the neurotransmitters and hormones. But I shall keep moving forward because winter is coming and I have to wear pants.  Wish me luck.