Yeah, baby! Goddess leggings! Much ballerina. So cutes.

The first time I saw a pair of ALO Yoga’s Goddess Leggings was on the retail rack in the lobby of my local Dailey Method studio… I gasped. So pretty! So new! Such quality! And then I looked at the price tag… I snorted. So expensive! So not something I’m going to buy! And then I saw them on the body of one of my Dailey Method instructors (read: someone who’s paid to be thin and ripped) and …I sighed. So only-made-for-the skinnies! So not for me! Wah wah.

But then, they went on sale this holiday shopping season and I was like, $60? WHAT? I have to give ’em a shot. Maybe every single one of my instincts is wrong! Maybe I can wear them!

They are as nice as they look. The fabric is thick (doesn’t show cellulite), and it holds you in without sausage-ing you, and it wicks and breathes and all of that. The leg warmer part is stretchy and doesn’t itch or get in your way at all. The waist is a little low for me, at least at my current level of fluffiness, but I think the rise is pretty typical for any pant that’s not labeled as high waisted.

And, not for nothing, the packaging was really nice too. Even the tag is printed with a rubbery coating on the paper that makes it feel nice. Details, man. Details.

But the big question: can a pear with thick-ass thighs pull these off? Let’s consult my magic skinny mirror selfies. (This mirror stretches things vertically ala  Paula Abdul’s Promise of a New Day video. I use it so I don’t cry.)

     

From the side? Sure. Maybe. But you can’t deny that there’s a horizontal line running around said thick-ass thigh. Red flag, right there, y’all.

    

Oh shit. There’s the truth. You can get away with almost anything from the side. You can convince yourself of something from the front. But there’s no lying from the back. That horizontal line stops the eye and makes it bounce around in the ass-u-lar area. If I was wearing all black, the eye would just skim down all the way to the ground. I might think “Fuck. I’ve got some work to do.” But I wouldn’t think “Holy fuck, I’m wearing 30 pounds of extra ass alone. AAAA!” Both are true. But the first thought is only upsetting enough to be motivating. The second thought can make me crumble into a self-hating pile. THIS IS WHY WHAT YOU WEAR MATTERS, PEOPLE. Your workout clothes need to give you confidence and make you feel capable. But the wrong ones can make you think your worst thoughts. Dress for success, not for sadness.

SO. The leggings are great. They’re high quality. And if I don’t look at myself from the back, they kind of make me feel all dancer-y, which motivates me to have even better form when doing barre shit. BUT, I don’t think I’ll be wearing them in public for a while. They’re not the best style for my body type.

Long story short:

ALO Goddess Leggings: if you have below-the-waist thickness, wear them at your own risk. If you have a thigh gap, first of all fuck you. Second of all congratulations. Bitch. And third, yes, you can absolutely wear them and you’re going to look fucking amazing in them. Grrrrr.