Oh, Sweaty Betty.

Sweaty Betty, London’s answer to Lulu, sent me another catalog today. I got it and thought “Hmm. Maybe this is the time I’ll actually order something.” They have great style. And every catalog comes with a 30% off code and free shipping, which takes a little bit of the sting out. So I sat down with an open mind and an open wallet.

Man did they fuck up.

They have just hiked up all of their prices from “yeesh” to “Fuck You.”

First page: Yellow “Free Style Tee.” Oversized tee with an open crossover back in lightweight fabric. (polyester.) $100.

Wait. What?

I thought $68 for a Lululemon tank was expensive, but at least I could rationalize it because the fabric is so thick and flattering and the cut hides my armpit fat.

But this is a leap, man. $100 for a fucking oversized YELLOW of all colors T-shirt?

Did Alexander McQueen come back from the dead and hand-distress it himself?

Is it woven completely out of the clippings swept up off the floor after Princess Kate gets her hair trimmed?

Is the yellow color made of dye that is squeezed out of canary feathers by artisan feather color squeezers, trained in the old way?

Does the open crossover back enable its wearer to literally fly?

Will wearing it cause Ryan Gosling/ Ryan Reynolds/ Whoever you like to appear before you to give you a pedicure?

Did the Mulleavy sisters (Rodarte) spit on it and then put it in a ziplock back that was on a shuttle that orbited the earth for twelve and a half years so it could get that perfect provenance and je ne sais quoi?

I mean, this is not a T-shirt put out by a label that has spent decades if not generations influencing fashion and art, and thereby kind of sort of able to sell a T-shirt for $100 because they’ve fucking earned it. This is a yellow polyester T-shirt for sweating in.

Did they put it there as a test to see if anyone was paying attention? Or did they just hike up the price like that because ladies who can buy your stuff don’t look at prices so why not take more of that money? Oh. Yeah. That’s what they did. And that’s really fucking rude. And that shit caught me on the wrong day.

Granted, on the next few pages there are some reasonably priced swimsuits (real suits cost money, a fact that you learn as you get into your one-piece years). But then, right there on page 15 and beyond:

Spin Training Tunic: “perfect lightweight running layer.” $115

Taper Run Tee $115

Zero Gravity Run Tights $160

(And no, I’m not posting pictures of ANY of it because I’m not going to help them sell it.)

Interval Run Tank $115

Cadence Run Jacket $200 and 40 fucking dollars are you mother fucking kidding me?

Tabata Training Tee $95 (I shit you not this is a boxy, short-sleeved, light grey T-shirt.)

Ocean Bay Zip Through (This is a hoodie.) $225

OH LOOK, HERE’S A $105 YOGA CAMI. Because if your outfit doesn’t cost twice as much as your monthly studio fees, then you’re never going to…what? I don’t even know what.

But then their sports bras are $65. Which is actually what a really good sports bra costs, so, reasonable.

Ohp, nope. Here’s another $90 yoga tee on the next page.

Sigh. Fine.

Enjoy your Sweaty Betty, rich people. I can take a hint. I’d be “more comfortable” in something else.

But also,

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