Duuuude. Ketosis didn’t work for me. Or rather, I suck and ate too much butter (like all the time, as a snack) so I didn’t lose any weight doing keto (except like for two weeks in July) and have actually been GAINING on the world’s favorite miracle diet, so…I have no choice but to quit… Eating butter all of the time.

It’s been almost a week since I gave up on keto. I stopped counting vegetable carbs, or more accurately, I’ve been eating whatever vegetables I want instead of basically only greens. And I’m not drinking Bulletproof Coffees and not eating butter like a food, and not eating whole packs of bacon for lunch because *surprise* that shit wasn’t working.

I’ve stopped gaining weight. (Duh.) But now that I’m not peeing purple strips anymore, I’m back to feeling like the walking dead. I have NO ENERGY. None. Zombie all the time. It sucks. So now I have to figure out some way to tell myself I’m not doing keto (so I don’t eat butter like it’s food) while tricking myself into doing keto. Because this shit is not OK. Right now, I’m basically telling my body “here, you can have like a teeny bit of carbs, and some fat, but not enough fat/too many carbs to put you in ketosis, and not enough carbs to give you any energy at all: just the right ratio to give you no fuel whatsoever, cool? Cool. Good luck with that.”

No wonder I’ve been skipping workouts all week. Ugh.

If you’re a “normal person,” who can just eat all of the kinds of food without sending yourself into a binge or feeling like absolute ass…In other words, if you have no idea what I’m talking about…just be thankful for a second, OK? Because some people aren’t normal, and struggle all of the time with some issue or another and get ZERO joy from eating because food isn’t food, it’s a crazy mishmash of drugs that we’re trying to navigate so we can just FEEL NORMAL for one hot second…BE THANKFUL YOU BLISSFULLY OBLIVIOUS NORMAL PEOPLE!! I hate you. I mean I’m really jealous of you. Be thankful for the awesome superpower you don’t even know you have, OK? OK. Merry Christmas. Enjoy your cookies ya lucky batches.