New Balance En Route Jacket $130 Spiffy.
Sweaty Betty Lagoa Poncho $165 Schnazz.
2014 was all about the pants. (Patterns! Colors! Laces! Mesh!)
2015 and and 2016 so far: it’s all about the bras.
What are my thoughts on sports bra fashion? This is a very important question in the world today. Obviously. Let’s dive in.
I like a deep arm hole, so I appreciate a cute sports bra.
But I’ve learned from experience that the bolder the bra design, the less you can wear it with.
I don’t really understand why every bra isn’t made for high impact, and have lining or padding. Who wants saggy nipply sacks showing through their shirt during sweat yoga? I don’t want to see that shit. This is not NatGeo. Get a real bra.
I instantly don’t like anyone who doesn’t wear a top over her sports bra, either. I mean, come on. You know exactly what you’re doing and it’s not powerful or cool. Save it for Instagram.
Long bras or bralettes or short tanks or whatever Taylor Swift wears are somehow OK, though. There’s probably a formula.
or something like that.
But the big trend in sports bras right now is the super strappy bra. I’m sure it was inspired by the cage/harness bra trend, which I find edgy, but generally kind of unflattering.
Oh, and skanky. That shit is skanky as HEY-ull. But I think that’s why it’s appealing. Everybody wants to skank it up sometimes and that is your goddess given right (in the bedroom or near water, and only if you’re young enough, for fuck’s sake, please) so whatever. Go get it.
Right now, every athletic wear site has a strappy bra for its main image when you click on “sports bras.” Don’t believe me? Try it. I’ll wait.
There are wide straps and skinny straps and rib cage straps and holy shit is that a spider web? straps. And that’s all good and fine, but I’m not buying any of them.
BUT, big picture, it’s a little “lingerie,” and I prefer more warrior / less princess for my power outfits. Same goes for anything that looks like lace. Just doesn’t feel right.
OK fine. There’s one thing in sports bra land that I really like right now. OK two.
First one is the leather look. Or lustrous look. Holy shit. This is edgy and cool and bad ass and a little sexy, but more in a “I will slap you” way and less of a “please think I’m pretty” way. You know what I’m saying? There’s a huge difference. And it’s all in who has the power. To me, this leather look is something you wear for you, it’s very superhero, very strong. And strappy is something you wear for others. Who have peens.
Second thing I’m digging in the sports bra world is this new (to me) brand, Panache Sport. I saw them everywhere when I was on my tour of every athletic wear store last month. Panache is a lingerie brand from the UK, and Panache Sport is their athletic side. They only make one bra, with or without underwire. They’re pricey, but they’ve got pretty good design, major support, they’re flattering, they’re high enough so your bits don’t fall out, AND they’re cute/powerful looking. They’re kind of everything. I’m not in spend mode, but I did find one for cheaper on Zappos or Amazon or something. It was cheaper because it’s a weird color. There’s always a trade off. You get what you pay for. It’s hard to wear with a lot, because IT’S BLUE AND ORANGE!, but it is a really solid bra. I recommend.
And that’s what I have to say about that.
Oh, and and also, camo is huge right now.
Yeah, baby! Goddess leggings! Much ballerina. So cutes.
The first time I saw a pair of ALO Yoga’s Goddess Leggings was on the retail rack in the lobby of my local Dailey Method studio… I gasped. So pretty! So new! Such quality! And then I looked at the price tag… I snorted. So expensive! So not something I’m going to buy! And then I saw them on the body of one of my Dailey Method instructors (read: someone who’s paid to be thin and ripped) and …I sighed. So only-made-for-the skinnies! So not for me! Wah wah.
But then, they went on sale this holiday shopping season and I was like, $60? WHAT? I have to give ’em a shot. Maybe every single one of my instincts is wrong! Maybe I can wear them!
They are as nice as they look. The fabric is thick (doesn’t show cellulite), and it holds you in without sausage-ing you, and it wicks and breathes and all of that. The leg warmer part is stretchy and doesn’t itch or get in your way at all. The waist is a little low for me, at least at my current level of fluffiness, but I think the rise is pretty typical for any pant that’s not labeled as high waisted.
And, not for nothing, the packaging was really nice too. Even the tag is printed with a rubbery coating on the paper that makes it feel nice. Details, man. Details.
But the big question: can a pear with thick-ass thighs pull these off? Let’s consult my magic skinny mirror selfies. (This mirror stretches things vertically ala Paula Abdul’s Promise of a New Day video. I use it so I don’t cry.)
From the side? Sure. Maybe. But you can’t deny that there’s a horizontal line running around said thick-ass thigh. Red flag, right there, y’all.
Oh shit. There’s the truth. You can get away with almost anything from the side. You can convince yourself of something from the front. But there’s no lying from the back. That horizontal line stops the eye and makes it bounce around in the ass-u-lar area. If I was wearing all black, the eye would just skim down all the way to the ground. I might think “Fuck. I’ve got some work to do.” But I wouldn’t think “Holy fuck, I’m wearing 30 pounds of extra ass alone. AAAA!” Both are true. But the first thought is only upsetting enough to be motivating. The second thought can make me crumble into a self-hating pile. THIS IS WHY WHAT YOU WEAR MATTERS, PEOPLE. Your workout clothes need to give you confidence and make you feel capable. But the wrong ones can make you think your worst thoughts. Dress for success, not for sadness.
SO. The leggings are great. They’re high quality. And if I don’t look at myself from the back, they kind of make me feel all dancer-y, which motivates me to have even better form when doing barre shit. BUT, I don’t think I’ll be wearing them in public for a while. They’re not the best style for my body type.
Long story short:
ALO Goddess Leggings: if you have below-the-waist thickness, wear them at your own risk. If you have a thigh gap, first of all fuck you. Second of all congratulations. Bitch. And third, yes, you can absolutely wear them and you’re going to look fucking amazing in them. Grrrrr.