You guys. Nike made Kyries inspired by sugar cereals and they are the SHIIITTTTTTT.
Too bad they’re in kid sizes. đŚ
I thought number three here was Cap’n Crunch, because duh, but it’s Kix. Gross.
WHERE MY CRUNCHBERRIES AT?
Fitness Fashion Trends
Lululemon Align Pants Review
Dude.
Lululemon has a new (to me) pair of all-purpose/ yoga leggings. And they are uh-maze-balls.
Don’t ask me why they styled them with these hideous slides. There are many mysteries in this life.
They’re called the Align Pant. And they’re made out of clouds and dreams.
They’re so stretchy you can put them on on a fat day and not hate yourself.
And so buttery soft and pliable, you put them on and feel like you are instantly as flexible as a pretzel. *high kick*
Why is this awesome? Well, I’m a little heavier after a summer of work (read: not working out) and wine (because summer), so my workout pants all shame me every time I rally hard enough to put them on…
So I’ve been looking for a pair of “throw on, feel ok, even on not-skinny days, but don’t have to size up” magic pants, totally did not expect for them to come from Lululemon, but here they are.
I mean seriously, I’ve tried on probably every style of legging that Athleta has, which is saying something, but couldn’t find what I was looking for. No, not even the Powervita line (which is supposed to be their soft and supportive but not too-compressive fabric). Powervita was soft, but not like these puppies. MAN. They are soft. The fabric is called Nulu.
Lululemon Align Pants
+super soft-feeling Nulu fabric
+mega stretchy, not compressive at all
+high waist
+flattering heart-shaped seam above your butt that makes you look like you have glute muscles
+double seam on the inner thigh, so there’s no seam right in the middle, I’m assuming so there’s less chafing
+leggings you can still wear on fat days
+they come in dark, creamy fall colors
+f yeah
I’m really excited to have something that doesn’t make me feel like shit when I put it on, which is how all clothes make me feel right now. So I’m really excited for these kind, soft pants. Maybe I’ll take a picture one day, but not today, because like I said, I feel like shit in my own skin. I’m sure you understand. Sad trombone high five, sister. Whatever. #Fitfall?
Anyway, look, they have a pocket too.
New fitness fashion brand: JoyLab by Target review
Target has been sniping successful brands and making their own versions for a few years now, but this spring they’ve really stepped on the gas in the fashion brand style-biting department…
I get that they have to follow trends, but it’s a little blatant. And as a card maker who’s had one of her designs low-key copied by Paper Source and who has a few other maker friends who this has happened to…I can only imagine how these big, established brands feel about Target copying their whole entire vibe. Eeeeeesh. Not very cool. Anyway. Tabling the issues of brand-swiping and business ethics and moving back into FITNESS FASHION REVIEW LAND…
Target now has a fitness fashion brand called JoyLab that’s kind of like Outdoor Voices + all the other cute fit fashion brands rolled into one trendy package.
JOYLAB REVIEW
The quality is pretty good. Better than Target’s terrible Champion/ C9 stuff (so thin, so clingy, makes me so angry), but not as thick as “real” fitness brands. Then again, what do you want for under $35 per piece? Basically, if you have cellulite, you might be able to get away with their pants, depending on the color and how few fucks you give. But I only found one pair of pants that I felt OK in, and they have a distracting pattern.
But the bra tops are all really cute. They cover a lot of different trends in color, pattern, and cut. Mostly I noticed a lot of “long line” bras/ bra tops which means they go further down towards your waist and *some* people can wear them as tops with high-waisted leggings. ICYMI, this is my formula to find out if you are one of those people. (From my post about jog bra trends from a while back.)
And JoyLab has a lot of cute jackets and sweatshirts. A few different takes on bombers (mesh, scuba, sweatshirt, etc.) and a lot of cute sweatshirts. But the sweatshirts are mostly pretty cropped, so I only tried on the (totally predictable for me) big baggy long one. I’d put pictures of the jackets and sweatshirts here, but the pictures online don’t even come close to doing them justice. You have to see them in person.
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT JOYLAB BY TARGET
- Affordable. Pants $35. Bras $20.
- You get more than what you pay for in the style dept.
- You get about what you pay for in the quality department.
- 900 times better than C9.
- Check out their jackets.
Here are some JoyLab things I bought:
Here are some other JoyLab things I tried on:
Here are some other cute JoyLab things:
And Imma just put this here…
Trendspotting: Scalloped Hems
Ultracor
Ted Baker
Target JoyLab
Kate Spade
Bandier is giving Carbon 38 a run…
Move over Carbon 38, I’m maybe feeling Bandier.
Bandier is a fitness fashion boutique selling their own and other brands, online and in some brick and mortar locations. And they have some pants that cost $50, while Carbon 38 doesn’t.
Here are some tasty things I saw on their site:
Terez Performance Leggings $78
I can tell that they are white on the inside, so they’ll look grey/see-through when stretched, which is a bummer. But still. I haven’t seen this kind of illustration-style graphic on leggings before…
Kule X Bandier The Jordyn $125
Kule is the hipster sweatshirt brand of the moment. So Bandier is on top of it with this collab. I’m not showing you the velour track jackets because I refuse. Nor am I going to show you the leggings with black and white horizontal stripes that are a riff on Althleta and Onzie and a few others. But I do love these “knee socks built in”-looking leggings. Pretty clever. (I apologize for the arrows. I’m a lazy screen-grabber, those arrows are from the bandier site, they’re not active.)
Beyond Yoga Ombre High Waisted Long Legging $115
I know. Burnout fabric is years old. Ombre is years old. But put them together and it feels a little new. And super cozy. 
Laain Sheila Diamond Legging $215
I can’t decide if these are rad or if they’d be a sweaty mess but I can’t look away, so I think I might love them…And I love blue on blue…so, yeah. I LOVE THEM! 
The Upside Tails Bomber $305
Now I’m not saying this will work, but mega points for trying.
Dagne Dover Dakota Backpack $175
How cute is this? Is it rubber???!!!?? No. It’s neoprene. So great.
Terez Tall band Capri Iridescent Oil Spill $59
And for Halloween extra credit: Unicorn Pants!!!
What I like about Bandier:
- The site isn’t overwhelming.
- They don’t show pictures of things that are sold out (Why, Carbon 38? Why?).
- It’s a little more funky than “sexy rich lady.” (Still, lots of expensive things, but the vibe is different.)
- Check ’em out.
Flattering fall hoodies and a photography fail.
I’m shopping for a long fall hoodie or jackety thingie because
1. I don’t wear short ones, see my previous post about long hoodies here. And
2. My Athleta CYA Strength Hoodie is looking a little faded and sad, because it’s black and cotton and I’m dumb and that’s what happens.
Athleta CYA Strength 2 Hoodie
I’ve been eyeing the Blanc Noir New Traveler Jacket on Carbon38.com (schmancy fitness fashion webstore) for over a year, and never pulled the trigger because it doesn’t have a zipper and it’s basically a sweatshirt cardigan that costs two hundred bucks. But I always look at it…because a hoodie just feels too functional and basic and a little flair goes a long way in me not feeling like a pajama person.
Blanc Noir New Traveler Jacket
Blanc Noir New Traveler Jacket
So I googled it to see if it was cheaper anywhere else, and I saw a NEWER updated version (Blanc Noir Update Traveler Jacket) on Blanc Noir’s own site. Even better! Love it! HOT! And it has a zipper!
Blanc Noir Update Traveler Jacket in Charcoal
Blanc Noir Update Traveler Jacket in Charcoal
So then I googled THAT jacket to see if it was cheaper anywhere else, and it’s on Zappos. BUT, look at the difference! Same jacket. Same color, supposedly, but…um…WHAT THE WHAT?
Blanc Noir Update Traveler Jacket in Charcoal…on Zappos
Blanc Noir Update Traveler Jacket in Charcoal…on Zappos
Same jacket. Supposedly the same color. Two different sites. WHAT’S THE TRUTH??? Probably the Zappos version. Probably the one that looks tackier and cheaper. Lesson: photography and styling (and filters) matter, kids. Also, I probably won’t buy anything and just keep on wearing my faded black Athleta Hoodie. Probably.
Although…upon further investigation…there’s no white piping on the Blanc Noir site’s version…maybe they really are different colorways…two colorways that reflect two very different taste levels…perhaps this is a merchandise labeling mistake…OK. Maybe I’ll buy the grey on grey one…Maybe.
New from Lulu
Hey! Lululemon has some stuff that’s right up my alley right now! Like: baggy tops that might actually almost cover your butt, a hoodie that isn’t purple or sad light grey, and a bathing suit top with a peplum, which is a GREAT idea because muffin tops do still exist. Yay!
- Scuba Hoodie IV in Chakra Print Alpine White and Black $118
- Love Tank $38
- Low Key Tank $44
- Body Con Bra $58
- Hot Like Agni Singlet $58
- Paddle Times Peplum $98
Carbon 38 Pretend Shopping Spree
So Carbon 38 has an end of season sale going on...Here’s what I’d like to buy with all of my imaginary cash.
1. Roselynn Embroidered Pullover by Good Hyouman $49
This sweatshirt says “My sweater is better than yours.” The end.
2. Scoop Tank by Sundry $56
I don’t know why ripped shirts look rich. They just do. Sign me up.
3. Ryval Performance Tight by Splits 59 $76
Yes, light grey workout pants should just plain not exist, because butt sweat. However, the stripey sporty mountain ranger game going on at the bottom of these is so good I kind of love them.
4. Black Python Joggers by Blue Life Fit. $124
My argument for these is as follows: THEY’RE BLACK PYTHON JOGGERS!
5. Run Striped Sweater by Adidas by Stella McCartney $119
Burgundy and bright blue is an advanced styling move and I like it. Plus it’s boxy and cropped and a little bit shiny. This is an aggressively playful look and I’m in.
Stink like a girl / Vapor Fresh sports laundry detergent review.
#FitGirlProblem: The stinky jacket.
The stinky jacket is the jacket you wear to and from the gym, or put on after your workout before you take a shower. The stinky jacket could also be the layer you start your run in, but eventually peel off, about three minutes after you’ve sweat into it. I have 1.5 stinky jackets. I wear them because they’re my coolest, longest, best jackets. They make me feel like a superhero badass person. They’re the ones that made me say “really? over $100 for a hoodie?” when I bought them, but I reach for them every single day and they make me realize how absolutely unflattering and shitty the cheap ones are.
But I also hate wearing them as stinky jackets because they’re the kind of jacket/hoodie things that I like to wear in athleisure situations, too. (This is where the .5 comes in. One of my stinky jackets I very rarely use as a stinky jacket, mostly as a running around jacket, but all it takes is one time and…yeah. I think it’s probably a stinky jacket.) It would be nice if stinky jackets didn’t have to be stinky jackets only, and I didn’t feel like I had to buy yet ANOTHER expensive fancy hoodie jacket thingie for everyday use because the other one and a half fucking reek. And they do. They fucking reek. I don’t think other people can necessarily smell them, but I sure can. Because they get jammed up in the armpits after workouts when I’m wearing sleeveless tops, grinding stinky deodorant wax and weight training funk all up in that fabric…not their fault. They’re armpit thongs, basically. How could I expect them to not fucking reek?
And yes, of course I wash them. I wash them all the time. And yes I use my special detergents. But that’s not cutting it. Them shits still stink.
MEANWHILE, as I was pouting about my 1.5 stinky jackets and trying not to buy another expensive workout jacket…Vapor Fresh sent me a new sample of their detergent! So I thought I’d tackle two birds with one post.
What’s this Vapor Fresh you speak of?
Vapor Fresh by Raw Athletics (rawathletics.com, vaporfresh.com) is a sports laundry detergent that says it has stain and odor lifting technology and is designed to clean sports apparel and everyday laundry. Perfect, because that’s how I roll. I wash everything together and just use my fancy delicate detergent for the whole lot. Which I shouldn’t. See my earlier post about washing your workout wear here.
FYI: liquid detergent = usually bad for stinky and/or sweat-wicking things. Why? Fragrances, dyes, softeners and brighteners can clog fabric, trap the stink, and jam the wicking fibers so they can’t wick anymore. (Read more about it in the drop-downs here.)
What’s good about Vapor Fresh Sports Laundry Detergent:
- not liquid
- fragrance and dye-free, hypoallergenic
- eco-friendly, biodegradable
- no harsh chemicals
- uses cold water compatible surfactants (soapy sudsy things that break down oils)
- a lot smaller than a box of Tide or a jug of Cheer or whatever
- can be used with regular and HE washing machines
- made in Illinois!
Did it make your stinky jackets not stink anymore?
No, and then yes.
First pass: no. They still stunk. Then I read the directions on the package of Vapor Fresh, and it said “for heavily soiled laundry, allow laundry to soak with detergent for at least 10 minutes prior to washing.” And the website says to do it for “at least 30 minutes (!)” So technically, I didn’t give the stuff a chance to do its job on those deodorant-filled stinky jacket armpits.
So I dug out my washing machine manual, learned that I have, of course, been using it incorrectly for years, and figured out which settings have extra long soak times. Alternatively, you could just pre-soak the items in question Woolite-style in the sink like this.
Pre-soaking is a bit of a pain in the ass, but it’s worth it to save an expensive jacket from stinky jacket doom, right? Now we know.
DID IT WORK, THEN?
YES. They came out…NOT-STINKY JACKETS!
Shit. Now I don’t get to go buy a new fancy workout jacket. đŚ
VAPOR FRESH: THE VERDICT
I know that Vapor Fresh won’t harm the performance (wicking, stretching, compression) of my workout clothes, and I am happy to report that does remove B.O. when you follow the directions. Which you think would be, like, the definition of any laundry detergent’s job, but you tell me. How many of your workout shirt and jacket armpits can you stick your nose into? Go ahead. I’ll wait.
Available on Amazon , $22 for a 5lb tub, which is good for 36 regular/ 72 HE loads of laundry.
No mo Jawbone. :( Hello Fitbit. :)
I have been a dedicated fan of the Jawbone Up24 and Up2 fitness trackers for the last few years, but NO LONGER! I lost my first one, because there’s no clasp on an UP24 so I looped it around the top of my pants because I wanted stroller steps to count, and it fell off. D’oh!
Then I bought an Up2. And they had to replace it because the strap tore. AND, they didn’t have a black one to replace it with so I had to accept a light grey one, which I knew would look filthy and gross and cheap like a sad dead rubber band, and it did. But I had no choice, so I wore it until…
The band on that third one, the replacement for the second one, JUST TORE!  I emailed Jawbone’s customer service and they sent me a “we got your email” email, but nothing after that. It’s been weeks. So I called, and their message is basically a half-step better than dealing with Comcastâwhich means getting slapped with a glove filled with rocks instead of slapped with a glove filled with rocks with spikes on it…the message basically says “We really suck, you will not reach a person, you can try emailing. Cheers!”
So, fuck that shit. I’m done. Also, Fitbit finally makes bands that aren’t giant and ugly and hideous, so that worked out well for me, timing-wise.
Meet my new jam! Fitbit Alta.
And yes, of course I got the special edition gold one. And yes, of course I already have a pink leather strap for it. Obviously. Come on.
Fitbit Alta Super Brief Review:
So far, so good. The straps are very easy to switch out. The bracelet has a very secure clasping system. The Fitbit Alta does seem a little more rugged than the UP2 was, so hopefully it won’t tear like those jokers did. It’s super easy to use. The app is fine. And it lets me know when I’m getting a call or a text, which is a little bit “Hey, calm down, you’re just a pretty pedometer OK? Stay in your lane.” But you can’t blame a bracelet for trying.
pretty-sweaty 